Most parents worry about their child when
he or she reaches adolescence. Will the child
who was once easygoing and helpful become
moody and disrespectful? Will the child who
was fiercely independent when young become
a teen who gives in to peer pressure? Will
the child who has had a conventional style
of dress suddenly color his or her hair purple?
When adopted children reach adolescence,
their parents are likely to be anxious and
have an additional set of questions. Will
the child become confused about his or her
identity? Will a sense of abandonment and
rejection replace feelings of security and
comfort? Is the child behaving in a way that
reflects inner turmoil about the past? Each
of these questions leads to a larger issue:
Will being adopted make adolescence harder
for the child?
These questions don't have simple answers.
Only a few studies have compared the psychological
well- being of adopted adolescents with that
of nonadopted adolescents. Some of those studies
conclude that having been adopted makes no
difference in adolescent behavior. Others
suggest that adopted teenagers are more likely
than others to experience problems. Experts
disagree about the relative importance of
the role of parents, the "climate" of the
family, and the natural temperament of the
teenager as contributors to adolescent problems.
There are two points on which they agree,
however. (1) Being adopted is an undeniable
part of a teen's history and should not be
ignored. (2) Adopted adolescents can successfully
confront and resolve their special developmental
issues.
This factsheet is a guide to parents of adopted
teenagers. It focuses on child development,
typical adolescent behavior, the special issues
of adopted teenagers, the times when parents
should become concerned, and the steps parents
can take to make these difficult years more
manageable.
[back to top]
How Children Develop
From infancy on, children alternate between
bonding with their caregivers and learning
to become independent. Infants begin to gain
independence by learning to crawl and then
walk. As infants become toddlers, they start
to give nonverbal and later verbal messages
that express their wishes and opinions.
Up to about age 6, children absorb information
rapidly, asking questions nonstop. They are
able to think about being abandoned, getting
lost, or no longer being loved by their parents.
They often have trouble telling the difference
between reality and fantasy. At the same time,
they experience separation from loved ones
as they attend preschool or daycare programs
and broaden their interests and group of friends.
The inner lives of children take shape between
the ages of 6 and 11. From the security of
their families, children begin to expand their
horizons and participate in more activities
away from home. It can be a difficult time.
Children must cement their sense of belonging
to their family while mastering the knowledge
and skills required for independence. It is
no wonder that by the time they become teenagers
their struggles to form an identity may feel
overwhelming and may lead to perplexing, and
sometimes troublesome, behavior.
[back to top]
Typical Adolescent
Behavior
Adolescence is a trying time of life for
both teenagers and their families. The physical
aspects of adolescence—a growth spurt,
breast development for girls, a deepening
of the voice for boys—are obvious and
happen quickly, whereas mental and emotional
development may take years.
The main challenge for teenagers is to form
their own identity—an achievement not
nearly as simple as it sounds. It means, according
to adoption experts Kenneth W. Watson and
Miriam Reitz, that teenagers must define their
values, beliefs, gender identification, career
choice, and expectations of themselves.
In forming an identity, most adolescents
try on a variety of personas. They look for,
imitate, and then reject role models. They
examine their families critically— idolizing
some people, devaluing others. They shun or
embrace family values, traditions, ideas,
and religious beliefs. Sometimes they have
enormous self-confidence; sometimes they feel
at loose ends and think of themselves as utterly
worthless. They may believe something one
day, and then change their minds and think
the opposite the next day. Ultimately, they
must come to terms with the big questions:
Who am I? Where do I belong?
Teenagers are acutely aware that they are
growing away from their families. As they
look for ways to demonstrate their individuality,
they often take on the values, beliefs, and
actions of others their age or of celebrities
they admire. Even though they are trying to
set themselves apart from their families,
they often want to look, act, and dress just
like their friends.
Teenagers are still dependent on their parents,
however, and may veer back and forth between
striking out and staying close. "Parents should
realize," write Jerome Smith and Franklin
Miroff in their book You're
Our Child: The Adoption Experience,
"that the adolescent is primarily a child
and not an adult, except in the biological
sense. Emotionally, he is still as dependent
on his parents as always."
It is not surprising, therefore, that disagreements
between parents and teenagers occur. Adolescents
want independence, yet they are unsure how
much freedom they can really handle. Parents
want their teens to move toward self-sufficiency
but often are reluctant to give up control.
Teenagers are confused about their futures,
and parents are anxious about who or what
their sons and daughters will become.
Adolescents wrestle with issues of sexuality
and spend time thinking about and wishing
for romantic relationships. Parents worry
about their teenagers' choices of partners
and friends. Often, parents don't know what
advice to give or how to give it.
These kinds of tensions generally characterize
the parent–teen relationship. There are
additional issues for teens who came to their
families through adoption.
[back to top]
Adoption and
Adolescence
Adoption adds complexity to parenting adolescents.
Adopted teenagers may need extra support in
dealing with issues that take on special meaning
for them—identity formation, fear of
rejection and abandonment, issues of control
and autonomy, the feeling of not belonging,
and heightened curiosity about the past.
Identity Formation
Identity issues can be difficult for adopted
teens because they have two sets of parents.
Not knowing about their birthparents can make
them question who they really are. It becomes
more challenging for them to sort out how
they are similar to and different from both
sets of parents.
Adopted teenagers may wonder who gave them
their particular characteristics. They may
want answers to questions their adoptive parents
may not be able to provide: Where do I get
my artistic talent? Was everyone in my birth
family short? What is my ethnic background?
Do I have brothers and sisters?
Sixteen-year-old Jennifer explains, "I'm
trying to figure out what I want to do in
my life. But I'm so confused. I can't move
ahead with my future when I don't know anything
about my past. It's like starting to read
a book in the middle. My big family with cousins
and aunts and uncles only makes me aware that
I'm alone in my situation. It never bothered
me when I was younger. But now, for reasons
I can't explain, I feel like a puppet without
a string, and it's making me miserable."
Some teens may feel more angry at their adoptive
parents than they have ever felt before. They
may be critical of how their parents helped
them adjust to their adoptive status. They
may withdraw into themselves or feel they
need to stray far from home to find their
true identity.
Fear of Abandonment
Jayne Schooler, an adoption professional
in Ohio and the author of Searching
for a Past, writes that it is not
unusual for adopted teenagers to fear leaving
home. Leaving home is scary for most adolescents,
but because adoptees have already suffered
the loss of one set of parents, it is even
more frightening.
Seventeen-year-old Caroline, for instance,
who was adopted as an infant, seemed to have
her future well in hand. She was offered a
partial scholarship to play field hockey at
an out-of-state university, and she planned
to pursue a career in teaching. Her parents
were eager to help their daughter move on
to this next part of her life. However, perplexing
changes occurred halfway through Caroline's
final semester in high school. She began skipping
classes. She was "forgetting" to do her homework.
She spent more time than usual alone in her
room. When her parents mentioned college,
she ran into her bedroom and slammed the door.
At first her parents were puzzled. But they
soon became alarmed when her grades dropped
and her personality changed. They encouraged
her to talk to a family friend who was a clinical
psychologist. Several months of therapy helped
Caroline and her parents understand that moving
away from her family and familiar surroundings
scared her. Perhaps if she were at school,
her parents would forget about her. Maybe
there would be no home to go back to. After
all, it had happened before.
At her parents' suggestion, Caroline decided
to put her college plans on hold for a year.
She and her parents continued to participate
in counseling to sort out the issues that
were blocking her development.
The Badeaus of Philadelphia are the parents
of 20 children, 18 of whom were adopted. They
see a number of differences in the way their
birth children and adopted children cope with
separation. "Now that our birth children are
adolescents—one's 12 and one's 14," says
Sue Badeau, "we see that they are already
talking about college…what they want
to do when they grow up and how they can't
wait to get out of the house! It's the complete
opposite for our adopted kids. It seems really
difficult for them to imagine themselves as
independent people. They seem almost afraid
to leave the security of the family."
Issues of Control
The tension between parents who don't want
to give up control and the teenager who wants
independence is the hallmark of adolescence.
This tension may be especially intense for
adopted teens who feel that someone else has
always made decisions for them: the birthmother
made the decision to place them for adoption;
the adoptive parents decided whether to accept
them. Parents may feel pressure to control
their teens, sometimes motivated by concerns
that their teens have a predisposition toward
antisocial behavior— especially when
their teens' birthparents have a history of
alcoholism or drug abuse.
Parents worry, too, about their teens' sexual
behavior. What if their son or daughter becomes
sexually active, becomes or gets a partner
pregnant, or gets AIDS? Adopted girls may
have particular concerns about sexuality and
motherhood. On the one hand, they have the
adoptive mother, frequently infertile, and
on the other, the birthmother, who had a baby
but chose not to raise the child. How do adoptive
parents help their daughters come to terms
with these different role models?
Because of their fears, many adoptive parents
tighten the reins precisely when their teenagers
want more freedom. "Kids see it as - You don't
trust me,'" says Anne McCabe, postadoption
specialist at Tabor Children's Services in
Philadelphia and a family therapist in private
practice specializing in working with adoptive
families. "It can strongly affect the trust
level between parents and their teens." McCabe
advises that parents and teens work together
to identify options for building trust in
important areas such as schoolwork, chores,
choice of friends, choice of leisure time
activities, and curfew. Parents and their
teen can come to an agreement on what constitutes
trustworthy behavior in each area. They can
determine what privileges or consequences
will be earned if the teen either demonstrates
or doesn't demonstrate the behavior in an
identified time frame. Both parties have input,
and there are fewer power struggles.
The Feeling of Not Belonging
Teens raised in their birth families can
easily see ways in which they are like their
family members. Their musical talent comes
from their grandmother…Their father also
has red hair…Everyone in the family wears
glasses. Sometimes adopted teens have no such
markers, and, in fact, are reminded frequently
that they are different from their nonadopted
friends.
This feeling of being different often begins
with their physical appearance. Friends frequently
look like one of their parents or another
relative. Teens who were adopted may not have
a relative they resemble. Friends who comment,
"You look like your sister," often make an
adopted teen even more aware of his or her
"outsider" status, even if he or she happens
to look like the sister. Sometimes, adopted
teenagers won't even correct friends who comment
on a family resemblance. It is easier than
having to answer the questions that are sure
to follow: Who are your real parents? What
do they look like? Why didn't they keep you?
"People who note a family resemblance are
really trying to say that the child has
taken on some of their parents' mannerisms,"
says McCabe. "In some families, it can become
an inside joke. For other children, it can
expose a raw nerve."
Teens who have been adopted into a family
of a different race (transracial adoption)
often feel more alienated from their families
than they did when they were younger. They
become highly conscious of the obvious physical
differences between themselves and their families,
and they struggle to integrate their cultural
backgrounds into their perceptions of who
they are. Some adopted teens may doubt their
authenticity as "real" family members and,
therefore, feel uncertain about their futures.
Adoptive parents can help transracially adopted
teens to feel they belong by making sure that
the family frequently associates with other
adults and children of the same ethnic background
as their teen. They should celebrate their
own and their teen's culture as a part of
daily life. They should talk about race and
culture often, yet tolerate no ethnically
or racially biased remarks from others. For
further discussion of these and other suggestions
for transracial families, see the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse factsheet,
"Transracial
and Transcultural Adoption." To increase
the feeling of belonging for an adopted teen
of the same race as his or her parents but
who may look very different, parents should
point out any similarities that exist between
family members. Statements such as "Everyone
in our family loves to sleep late on weekends"
or "Dad and you are both such Rolling Stones
fans, you're driving me crazy!" should be
made whenever appropriate.
The Need to Connect With The Past
As adopted teens mature, they think more
about how their lives would have been different
if they had not been adopted or if they had
been adopted by another family. They frequently
wonder who they would have become under other
circumstances. For them, the need to try on
different personalities is particularly meaningful.
In addition to all of the possibilities life
holds, adoptees realize the possibilities
that were lost.
For some adopted teenagers, the feelings
of loss and abandonment cause them to think
and want more information about their original
families. Sometimes they are looking for more
information about their medical history. Has
anyone in their family had allergies? Heart
disease? Cancer? Seventeen-year-old Sheila,
who developed unexplained skin rashes, always
wondered if others in her birth family had
the same condition. As 18-year-old Christopher
kept reading more articles about the genetic
nature of mental illness, he worried that
his mood swings might be an indication of
manic–depressive illness that could have
been present in his birth family. Adopted
as a baby, Sally, now 15, says, "It's impossible
for someone who has not been adopted to understand
the vacuum created by not knowing where you
came from. No matter how much I read or talk
to my parents about it I can't fully explain
the emptiness I feel."
Some teenagers want to search for their birthparents.
Others say they would appreciate having access
to medical information, but that they have
made peace with their adoptions.
[back to top]
When Teens Were
Adopted at an Older Age
Issues for teens adopted at an older age
are even more complex. Often they endured
abuse or neglect, lived in several foster
homes, or moved from relative to relative
before finding a permanent family. Their sense
of loss and rejection may be intense, and
they may suffer from seriously low self-esteem.
They also can have severe emotional and behavioral
difficulties as a result of early interruptions
in the attachment process with their caregivers.
It is no wonder that it is hard for them to
trust adults—the adults in their early
years, for whatever reason, did not meet their
emotional needs.
Teens adopted at an older age bring with
them memories of times before joining the
adoptive family. It is important for them
to be allowed to acknowledge those memories
and talk about them. Parents of teens adopted
at an older age can expect that they and their
teens will require professional guidance at
some point, or at several points, to help
create and maintain healthy family relationships.
[back to top]
When Parents Should
Become Concerned…What They Can Do
Adopted teens may experience strong emotions,
especially related to their adoption. It would
be unusual for their adopted status not to
affect them. A teen's sense of abandonment,
quest for identity, and need for control probably
do not have their origin in poor parenting
by the adoptive parents.
If a teen decides to search for his or her
birthparents, it is not necessarily an indication
of a problem. Research indicates that some
adoptees simply have a strong need to know
about their biological roots. "One of the
misconceptions [that adoptive parents have],"
says Marshall Schechter, M.D., professor emeritus
in child and adolescent psychiatry at the
University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine,
"is that they have done something to make
their child want to search. They haven't.
Everyone needs to know that they are part
of a continuum of a family ... As more is
learned about genetics, scientists are discovering
that many talents or personality traits have
a genetic basis. So it should not be surprising
that teenagers who focus on developing an
identity should begin thinking about their
origin."
It is more likely that a teen will have problems
in families "where the parents insist that
adoption is no different from the biological
parent–child relationship," says Kenneth
Kirby, Ph.D., from the Department of Clinical
Psychiatry at Northwestern University School
of Medicine in Chicago. Teens know that it
is different. Teens do better when their parents
understand their curiosity about their genetic
history and allow them to express their grief,
anger, and fear.
The following behaviors may indicate a teen
is struggling with adoption issues:
- comments about being treated unfairly
compared to the family's birth children;
- a new problem in school, such as trouble
paying attention;
- a sudden preoccupation with the unknown;
- problems with peers; or
- shutting down emotionally and refusing
to share feelings.
If your family style is one of open communication,
you may be able to deal with these issues
without professional help. Educate yourself
through books or workshops run by agencies
that provide postadoption services. Join an
adoptive parent support group, which can be
a valuable resource for families. The Clearinghouse
can refer you to adoptive parent support groups
in your area. Support groups also exist for
adopted teenagers.
Chances are that if you have not been comfortable
discussing adoption issues with your child
in the past, it will be difficult to begin
now. "The time to start talking about these
issues is when children are younger," says
MaryLou Edgar, postadoption specialist with
Tressler Lutheran Children's Services in Wilmington,
Delaware. "Otherwise, your kids know you aren't
comfortable with the subject. It's like sex.
One talk when your child is 12 isn't enough."
Nonetheless, even if these discussions have
not taken place earlier, it is up to the parents
to initiate them with their teenagers, Edgar
advises.
Many families benefit from seeing a therapist
who specializes in working with adoptive families.
Adoptive family organizations, adoption agencies
in your area, and the Clearinghouse may be
helpful in suggesting knowledgeable therapists.
(See the Clearinghouse factsheet, "After Adoption:
The Need for Services," for a discussion
of the types of therapists. See Addendum II
at the end of this factsheet for other tips.)
As with all teens, you should seek professional
help if you see any of the following behaviors:
- drug or alcohol abuse;
- a drastic drop in grades or a sharp increase
in skipping school;
- withdrawal from family and friends;
- risk taking; or
- suicide threats or attempt.
If adoption is part of the problem, openly
addressing adoption issues will improve the
chances that the treatment will be effective.
Parents who recognize that their teens have
two sets of parents and who don't feel threatened
by that fact are more likely to establish
a more positive environment for their teens,
one that will make them feel more comfortable
to express their feelings. "Kids know early
on what subjects their parents are uncomfortable
discussing and will avoid them," says McCabe.
"Secrets take a lot of energy. When there
is freedom to discuss adoption issues, there
is much less of a burden on the family."
"There is a significant difference in the
way teenagers perceive themselves when they
have information about their birth families—ethnic
heritage, abilities, education, or just what
they looked like," says Marcie Griffen, postadoption
counselor at Hope Cottage Adoption Services
in Dallas, Texas. "When they know why they
were placed for adoption, it tends to help
their self-esteem and give them a better sense
of who they are."
Sue Badeau understands her children's need
to connect with their biological parents.
She and her husband Hector agree that openness
is important to the well-being of everyone
in the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birthparents,
and the adopted person). The Badeaus are committed
to helping their children discover their roots
if and when they want to. Recently, the Badeaus
located the birthmother of four of their children:
Flora, Sue Ann, Abel, and George. Flora, 13,
was having trouble giving up the fantasy that
her birthmother was going to come back for
them so "they could live happily ever after."
Sue and Hector persuaded their children's
birthmother to assist them in helping Flora
put her fantasies to rest. The birthmother
helped Flora understand why she and her siblings
were placed for adoption. Sue Ann was grateful
for the chance to have some of her questions
answered, but the boys wanted nothing to do
with their birthmother at that time. "I keep
telling all of my kids that their families
did the best that they could," says Sue. "Birthmothers
aren't the horrible monsters people make them
out to be, but real people who make mistakes."
Conclusion
Adolescence can be a confusing time for teens.
Adopted teens may have special issues connected
to identity formation, rejection, control,
and the need to connect with one's roots.
It helps when parents are understanding and
supportive. Questions surrounding these issues
are not a reflection of adoptive parents'
parenting style. Wanting to know about their
birth family does not mean that adopted teens
are rejecting their adoptive family.
If your family has a long-standing history
of openness, honesty, and comfort with adoption,
chances are that you will be able to help
your teen work through adolescence. When openness
has not been your family style, or if you
see alarming behaviors such as drug use or
withdrawal from enjoyable activities, you
should seek professional help.
Mental health experts are confident that
adopted teens can confront and resolve their
developmental issues just as their nonadopted
peers do. With the support and understanding
of their parents, adopted teens can forge
even stronger family bonds that will continue
to nurture their future relationships.
Publications
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P.O Box 271
King George, VA 22485
(5470) 775-7410; fax (540) 775-3271
My Life Book (1992), Teen's Kit
(13 and older) $6.00
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People Places, Inc.
1215 N. Augusta St.
Staunton, VA 24401
(540) 885-8841
The ABC's of In-Home Problem Solving: A
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in Work With Troubled Youth In Foster, Adoption,
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Child
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c/o CSSC
300 Raritan Center Parkway
Edison, NJ 08818-7816
(908) 225-1900
HOMEWORKS: At-Home Training Resources for
Foster Parents and Adoptive Parents (1992).
Three workbooks entitled "Helping Children
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Children and Youth Develop Positive Attachments,"
and "Helping Children, Youth and Families
Manage the Impact of Placement," $25 for the
whole set; $9.95 for individual workbooks.
Also available from CWLA, The Ultimate
Challenge: Foster Parenting in the 1990's
(1992), $995.
North
American Council on Adoptable Children
970 Raymond Ave., Ste. 106
St. Paul, MN 55114-1149
(612) 644-3036; fax (612) 644-9848
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A Curriculum for Adoptive Families, (1990),
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P.O Box 9362
Moscow, ID 83843
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Cottage Adoption Center
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Dallas, TX 75205
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343-0177
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III: A Time and Place for Healing (VHS;
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Organizational Improvement
1 Post Office Square
P.O. Box 15010
Portland, ME 04112
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Media Guild
11722 Sorrento Valley Rd., Ste. E
San Diego, CA 92121-9823
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755-4931
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Montana Post Adoption Center, Inc.
P.O. Box 634
Helena, MT 59624
(406) 449-3266
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1992)
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Melina, Lois Ruskai and Roszia, Sharon Kaplan.
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Smith, Jerome and Miroff, Franklin I. You're
Our Child: The Adoption Experience.
Lanham, MD: Madison Books, 1987.
Stein, Leslie M. and Hoopes, Janet L. Identity
Formation in the Adopted Adolescent.
New York: Child Welfare League of America,
1985.
Von Bergen, Jane M. "In a Family Way," The
Philadelphia Inquirer Magazine, Nov. 13,
1994, pp. 20–26.
For Adolescents
Blomquist, Geraldine M. Coping
As a Foster Child. New York: The Rosen
Publishing Group, 1992.
Cohen, Shari. Coping
With Being Adopted. New York: The
Rosen Publishing Group, 1988.
Duprau, J. Adoption:
The Facts, Feelings, and Issues of a Double
Heritage. New York: Julian Messner,
1990.
Gravelle, Karen and Fischer, Susan. Where
Are My Birth Parents? A Guide for Teenage
Adoptees. New York: Walker and Company,
1993.
Kremetz, Jill. How
It Feels to Be Adopted. New York:
Alfred A. Knopf, 1988.
Lifton, B.J. I'm
Still Me. New York: Alfred A. Knopf,
1981.
Nerlove, Evelyn. Who
Is David? A Story of an Adopted Adolescent
and His Friends. New York: Child Welfare
League of America, 1985.
Powledge, Fred. So You're Adopted: A Book
About the Experience of Being Adopted.
New York: Charles Scriber's Sons, 1982.
Storr, Catherine. Vicky.
London: Faber and Faber, 1981.
For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at naic@calib.com.
