By Lori Paris
Have you been contacted by an adoptee? Nervous?
Scared? Let me share some thoughts with you.
OPEN YOUR HEART
I would like to convey a message to those
of you who have been touched by adoption in
a particular way. Those of you who have been
contacted by an adoptee, may you be birth
mother, father, half-sib, full sib, aunt,
cousin…let me share some thoughts with
you and ask for your understanding.
You have been contacted. You may be suspicious.
I understand that you may be afraid. Perhaps
you feel betrayed. Maybe the knowledge of
a child given up for adoption is unknown to
you, and all of a sudden, your telephone is
ringing, someone is sending you an e-mail,
or knocking at your door. Who is it? Let me
tell you who it is…it is someone looking
for hope.
I ask that you consider letting this person
into your life. Even though your world may
be turned upside down, even though you didn’t
“ask” for this, please think about
it. Give it a chance, you may be opening your
heart to a wonderful, loving person.
I have heard from many people about reuniting
with their birth families. Many of their stories
are heartwarming and loving. Sadly, many of
the stories are heartbreaking and crushing…adoptees
are sometimes rejected by their own blood
relations. Some birth mothers want nothing
to do with the child they gave up for adoption.
Being a mother myself, I find that very difficult
to understand, but I am not them, cannot put
myself in their shoes. Many birth mothers
were so terribly wounded having to adopt out
their children that they simply cannot deal
with a reunion. They cannot revisit the old
hurt. Perhaps they have a secret kept so buried,
they feel it may do irreparable harm to themselves
or others to unearth it. There are lots of
reasons why a birth parent may be afraid,
I realize there may be extenuating circumstances.
There are also birth siblings that are often
contacted by an adoptee. They may be full
siblings, or half-siblings, but often they
are surprised to learn that there is a brother
or sister out there looking for them. It may
be a shock I know, but denial doesn’t
make something untrue. It only shuts someone
out, hurts someone to the very core.
I know that not everyone has good intentions,
there may be some people who are dishonest,
or looking to take advantage. But I think
that the majority of us adoptees have only
the best intentions. We may want nothing more
than to just be allowed into your life. I
know that may be hard for some of you, but
think about it. Did the adopted out child
ask to be given up? Is the adopted out child
responsible for their circumstances? Why of
course not. An adoptee is the innocent here,
a victim if you will. I don’t mean a
victim in the sense that they were harmed
or abused, but a victim of circumstance. An
adoptee is powerless in the decision-making,
a baby bystander if you will. There is a fear
of abandonment that many adoptees feel while
growing up. Some feel a huge void their whole
lives, some have control issues, some have
relationship fears and find it difficult to
connect with people. Some come from happy
homes, some come from troubled ones. We are
all different and have different experiences
growing up. But adoptees are alike in that
they are often searching for something. It
may be truth, it may be medical history, it
may be siblings, it may be because they long
to “look” like someone, they may
want to know their religious background. Many
of us simply want to have a connection with
a blood relation, simply to know where we
come from. This is more often than not our
motivation. Not greed, not money, not restitution,
not harm. We don’t want to hurt anyone.
We only wish to be acknowledged and accepted
for who we are. We are not a shameful secret,
we are human beings.
Unless you are adopted, you can never understand
the yearning to know if you look like someone
else, act like someone else, think like someone
else. To us, it seems a miracle when we physically
resemble someone, not having grown up with
the experience that birth children have. To
us, making a connection with a birth relative
is extremely comforting (especially if they
accept us) as suddenly there is a common denominator
in our lives that we never had before.
Adoptees who are searching are brave. They
are taking an enormous risk. They may be unsuccessful
in their search. Or they may be successful,
only to be rejected. I heard from one man
who located his birth mother by mail. He wanted
to meet her, but she refused. He was deeply
disappointed but respected her wishes, hoping
that perhaps someday she might change her
mind. All he wants to do now is to see her
from afar…just to see what she looks
like…not to force a confrontation, just
to see her face. That’s it. Does that
tug at your heartstrings? It should. He is
desperately longs to meet a stranger, his
own mother, but will settle to just see her
face and nothing more.
This is all food for thought…just some
things to consider if you have been approached
by an adoptee or if you are beginning a reunion.
Understandably, you may have concerns, but
I urge you to be wary rather than suspicious.
I urge you to open your mind to a possibly
new, exciting, rewarding, and potentially
gratifying relationship.
I would also like to address the adoptive
family. Please try not to be afraid. If your
adopted child is seeking birth parents or
siblings, try and accept why. Try and understand
what they are looking for. As I said, it is
a connection they want, not a replacement
for you. They are not searching to hurt you,
only to try and find out more about themselves.
They are not being ungrateful, they are looking
for a missing piece of the puzzle. Try and
put your fears aside and trust in them. For
whatever reason, they feel they must do this,
let them. You raised this person, they love
you, and they’ll come back to you. I
spoke with someone not long ago and she made
an interesting comment to me. When she learned
that my adoptive parents had both passed away,
she said, “Well you have your birth parents,
how lucky you are”, as if I had this
second set of parents to replace the first
set of parents. Nope. I know she meant well,
but my birth parents are not replacements.
They are my relatives, they are extremely
important to me, but they are not going to
step in and take over the role my mom and
dad had. How disrespectful that would be!
Just for the record, my birth parents will
be forever grateful to my adoptive parents
for raising me and loving me and taking good
care of me.
As long as we have taken this brief detour
here, let me mention one other pet peeve I
have regarding parents and their “labels”.
So often, people make the mistake of asking
about my “real” parents. That’s
the word I’ve heard used over and over.
“Real”. What do you suppose my answer
would be? Would my “real” parents
be my birth parents, or would my “real”
parents be the only parents I ever knew, my
adopted parents? My suggestion is to refrain
altogether from using the word “real”.
Both sets of parents are my “real”
parents. I prefer to say “adopted”
and “birth” if a distinction needs
to be made (as it often does, I mean this
can get confusing!) But let’s drop the
word “real” because to me it implies
that there is an opposite, which would be
“not real”. I’m getting off
my soapbox now and apologize for the digression,
but felt it was an important point to make.
Let me conclude by saying that not only am
I an adoptee, I am also a member of a stepfamily.
I have a stepdaughter whom I love as much
as my own children. I have an adoptive family,
a birth family, and a stepfamily. If you take
away the adoptive, birth, and step, what are
you left with? Family. Pure and simple. That’s
what is real. So if you are considering a
relationship with an adoptee that has sought
you out, give it a go, you may gain much more
than you expected.
Reprinted by Permission of
the Author Lori Paris.
About the Author:
"An adopted child, I grew up in Southern
California. As a young adult, I searched for
and successfully found both of my birth parents
and continue to share a unique relationship
with them. My experience compelled me to write,
fictionalizing the characters and events.
I now live in one of the most beautiful places,
Lake Tahoe. I am currently working on my second
novel."
Learn more about her first book: "Follow
Your Heart"
Authors website: www.authorsden.com/loriaparis
