This article is addressed to you, the birth
parent. Although the adoption community sometimes
overlooks your contribution and sacrifice,
this article addresses adoption from your
point of view. Placing a child for adoption
is not an easy thing to do, not at the time
of placement nor years later. How do you get
through the experience, and how does it affect
you later in life?
This article cannot address every aspect
of your experience—the topic is just
too broad. It focuses on the most common experiences
of parents who have voluntarily placed their
infants and is divided into four parts.
Part 1 is a brief overview of the impact
that adoption may have had on you. It focuses
on three topics: coping with grief, romantic
relationships, and parenting issues.
Part 2 discusses your experiences during
three time periods: (1) the birth and placement
of the child, (2) the years after placement
but before the child becomes a legal adult,
and (3) the time after the child becomes an
adult. Specific coping issues for each period
are addressed.
Part 3 looks at ways that you can cope with
your feelings and gives specific options for
facing your grief.
Part 4 contains a list of resources where
you can go for help, including the Child
Welfare Information Gateway (Formerly
the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse, (NAIC)).
One point to remember is that you are not
alone. Many others have felt the same feelings
and had the same experiences as you. A number
of birth parents have come forward and are
willing to offer help, as are others in the
adoption field.
[back to top]
Overview of the Impact
of Adoption on Birth Parents
Coping with Grief
All birth parents must deal with grief. Many
are sad about not being able to raise or have
a relationship with their child. Some have
said that they eventually adjusted to the
loss of the child, but that the pain and grief
lasted a very long time. Others have said
that life was never the same after
placing the child. Birth parents' whole lives
are affected.
If you are a birth parent whose adoption
was arranged confidentially, you may have
many questions. You probably do not know what
became of your child. You don't know if your
child's life with the adoptive family is happy
and if the child is loved and treated well.
You may wonder if the adoptive parents ever
told the child he or she was adopted. If so,
you may wonder how they spoke about you. You
may question what it would have been like
to have raised your child. Unanswered questions
such as these can be very difficult to deal
with.
Most people at some time in their lives experience
grief when they are separated from a loved
one. However, in adoption, there are no standard
grieving processes or approved rituals to
help birth parents cope. When a well-liked
co-worker accepts a new job in a new city,
there is often a going away party. When a
loved one dies, there may be a religious service,
a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors'
home by friends and relatives. But birth parents'
grief is distinct from most other types of
grief, because it is not always socially acceptable
to talk about what happened.
Unresolved grief can cause problems in a
number of areas. It can affect romantic relationships,
parent–child relationships, the ability
to work effectively, and a person's feelings
of happiness and usefulness. If you are having
trouble in your life, it could be related
to your not having fully grieved for the child
you placed for adoption.
For most birth parents it takes time to move
past the initial grief of placing a child
for adoption. Some realize they need professional
help to deal with the emotions that accompany
the loss. Others feel fairly positive from
the beginning about the adoption decision
and accept that the decision brought with
it certain consequences. But just about all
birth parents wonder how their son or daughter
is doing, especially when the child has reached
the age for important events such as starting
school, graduating from school, getting married,
or becoming a parent.
Romantic Relationships
According to Merry Bloch Jones' book, Birthmothers:
Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption
Tell Their Stories, many birth parents
report difficulty in their romantic relationships
following placing a child for adoption. As
a group, birth parents seem to do things in
extremes. Either they marry the first person
who comes along so that they become "respectable"
members of society, or they stay away from
a partner for years. Some divorce and marry,
again and again. Some marry an abusive partner,
subconsciously punishing themselves. Some
marry a rich partner they don't love so they
will have financial security and never again
be in the position of having to give up a
child because of the lack of money. Some may
even marry a decent, loving, supportive person,
but get so caught up in their unresolved grief
that the marriage falls apart.
Some couples who planned the adoption together
get married and have other children. Other
birth parents choose not to get too close
to any one person ever again. They go from
one relationship to the other on purpose,
because to them intimacy and loss are always
linked.
A third of the birth mothers that Jones talked
to said they have happy marriages. The marriages
are happy because their partners continue
to be supportive of their need to talk about
the birth parent experience and of their search
for ways to help them grieve. Some who don't
get it right in their first marriage do get
it right in the second one. They say a large
part of getting it right is learning to forgive
themselves.
Parenting Issues
Birth parents also often reflect extremes
when it comes to parenting. Many have children
immediately after getting married, others
not for years. Some have only one other child,
others more than three. Some are overprotective
with their child, because they are afraid
something will also happen to this child.
Others are distant from their children, because
getting close reminds them of the child they
gave up. Almost all believe that placing a
child for adoption affected the way they parent
and the way they feel about their other children.
Some do not have other children, either on
purpose, because they don't want to be reminded
of their adoption experience, or because they
or their partner cannot get pregnant again.
Some marry partners with children, therefore
becoming stepparents. Some even adopt.
[back to top]
What Birth Parents
Experience
A number of factors may have influenced your
decision to place your child for adoption.
Yet, although each situation is different,
there are common threads that run through
all adoptions. Birth parents usually feel
powerless and lack monetary and emotional
support. They may still feel social stigma,
though the shame that once prompted parents
to place their pregnant daughters in maternity
homes to hide the pregnancy is slowly fading.
The following paragraphs describe experiences
that you or those you know may have gone through.
These experiences are divided into three time
periods, and the specific coping issues for
each period are addressed.
Birth and Placement
Under any circumstances, giving birth is
an important event in the life of a woman
and her partner. But giving birth knowing
that the baby will be placed for adoption
adds another dimension.
The birth experiences of women who placed
a child for adoption are varied. Jones' book
gives many examples. For some, the birth took
place in an ugly back room of a maternity
home, with very little medical care. For others,
it took place in a bright, cheerful hospital
with their partner, family, and preselected
adoptive parents nearby. For many it was somewhere
in between. Some were allowed to see their
baby. Some held the baby, named the baby,
and were given some time to say goodbye. Others
had their baby whisked away by nurses who
said it would be easier that way. Some had
lots of emotional support, others did not.
Women interviewed by Jones described a number
of reactions and emotions after the baby was
placed. For some, after recovering physically
from giving birth, the reality of what had
happened sank in. To make it hurt less, they
denied that what they had gone through was
important. Other people also acted like it
was no big deal and said the mother should
just go back to whatever she was doing before
she had the baby. Many women did just that.
Some women became angry, either at their
parents, their partner, the adoption agency,
or "society." They acted out, stole, lied,
stayed out late, quit school, or got involved
with a bad crowd.
Or, they turned their anger inward and became
depressed. They decided that they were absolutely
worthless. They believed the people who said
they were no good. They started to take drugs,
drink a lot of alcohol, or drive carelessly.
Some birth mothers get stuck in this phase
for a long time, moving from denial to anger
to depression over and over again. Birth mothers
who get out of this cycle of emotions usually
do so by doing one or more of the following
things:
- Going to counseling;
- Talking with supportive family members
or friends;
- Attending birth parent support group meetings;
- Writing their feelings down in a story
or poem;
- Writing letters, even if they are not
sent, to their child;
- Holding a private ceremony each year on
their child's birthday.
All of these are positive methods for dealing
with grief and accepting the loss.
When Your Child Is a Minor
The emotions associated with having placed
a child for adoption will always be a part
of your life. As a way of dealing with your
grief, you might decide to try to find out
how your child is doing. If you were involved
in a confidential adoption and you do not
know the identity of the adoptive family,
the only way to find your child is to contact
the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption.
Many birth parents do this, even though the
child is not yet 18.
If your adoption was confidential, you can
write a letter "to the file" of the child
to explain the circumstances of the placement
and to tell the child that you love and wish
the best for him or her. This can be very
therapeutic. And it can be tremendously helpful
to the child as well.
In one such case, the adoptive parents of
an 11-year-old boy placed as an infant called
their adoption agency for assistance because
he was having self-esteem problems. He was
convinced that since he was placed for adoption,
he must be worthless. Though he and his adoptive
parents had a good relationship, he expressed
to them that he felt "unlovable."
The agency social worker retrieved the boy's
file and found that the birth mother had recently
sent a letter, her first communication with
the agency since the time of the placement.
The letter explained why she placed her child,
in case he ever asked.
The adoptive parents read the letter to their
son and they discussed it at length. His self-
esteem "shot up like a rocket." He started
to like himself more, do better in school,
and get along better with his friends. The
adoptive parents were extremely grateful.
The adoptive and birth families have now started
writing letters to one another, without disclosing
their identities and with the agency acting
as an intermediary—an arrangement that
is working out well for them.
You might decide to actually search for your
child during the child's minor years. If you
find him or her, you will have to decide if
you want to contact the adoptive family or
not. You might just want to observe from afar.
Those that contact the family get different
reactions. Some are positive and some are
negative. You must be prepared for both. (See
the discussion that follows about contact
and reunion with adult adoptees.)
If you already have an open adoption, you
have contact with your minor child. Sometimes
initial agreements about the amount of contact
can be changed. Perhaps you'd like to increase
your visits or receive more photos. These
changes may or may not be possible, but you
can certainly try. Adoption professionals
with experience in this area may be able to
help you reach a new agreement.
What if you find out new medical information
later in life? Many in the adoption field
believe that it is definitely a responsibility
of all parties in adoption to share medical
information. For instance, if you or your
partner develops breast cancer and you placed
a daughter, that daughter ought to know about
it. Some kinds of cancer run in families,
and she ought to know so that she can be screened
for breast cancer as early as it is recommended.
In an open adoption, you can easily contact
your daughter and her adoptive family. In
a confidential one, it may be more difficult,
but you should still try to do so through
the adoption agency and/or the attorney.
When Your Child is an Adult
Your child is an adult when he or she reaches
age 18. If you've been tempted to search all
along, you may get an even stronger urge once
your child reaches adulthood. The thought
that you could approach your daughter or son
as an adult is appealing. At this age, he
or she might be able to understand more fully
what it was like for you when you were faced
with the placement decision.
In the past, it was assumed that birth parents
would never search for their adult adopted
child, and certainly not their minor child.
After all, they were expected to forget that
the birth and the placement ever happened.
But birth parents don't forget, and at least
nowadays some do search.
Voluntary Registries
One route to take, short of an all- out search,
is to register with voluntary registries for
birth parents and adult adoptees. This lets
your child know that you would like to be
"found." A registry works like this: You leave
the information about the birth of the child
along with your address and telephone number.
You must keep your address and telephone number
current. You can register at any time, even
years after the child is born.
When your child is an adult, he or she can
call or write this registry. If what the child
knows about his or her birth matches the information
the registry has about you, the registry will
release your current address and telephone
number to the child, and you could be contacted.
Should You Search?
According to leaders of national search and
support organizations, more people are searching
now than in the past. However, you may still
wonder if you should search. You worry that
your child may not be interested in hearing
from you. You worry about the adoptive parents.
How will they explain who you are to their
family and friends? What about your own family
members? What will the effects of a search
be on them? How will they deal with a long
lost sister, brother, stepson, or stepdaughter,
and how will he or she fit in with your family?
While you may want to take other people's
feelings into consideration when deciding
to search, your own feelings are also important.
In cases where you felt forced by others to
place your child and thus felt a lack of control
over your and your child's futures, searching
is a way for you to get back some of that
control, fill in missing pieces, and move
on. If you have a strong urge to seek out
your adult child, many adoption therapists
say you should follow it, as long as your
actions are within the law and you undertake
the search with some understanding of how
your son or daughter might react. If you have
a supportive spouse, adult children, friends,
a therapist, or a birth parent group, they
can help you deal with the reaction you get,
whether it is positive or negative.
You may be worried that intruding into your
child's life might harm the child, but research
shows that a reunion often brings adoptive
parents and children closer together.1 The
child learns that all the parent figures in
his life care about him and his happiness.
It can be quite beneficial.
Goals of Searching
If you do search, your goal should be truth.
You must be willing to face whatever you might
find out, even if it's the death of your child.
The information you learn may be painful;
however, peace of mind most likely will come
with the pain. If you search for your child
only to find that he or she won't take your
calls, answer your letters, or send a photograph,
at least you tried. Others before you have
found that the process still helped them set
aside their fantasies and accept their current
life situation with a more positive attitude.
Reunions
If you do find your child and have a reunion,
you will finally get the answers to your most
pressing questions. You can be sure that your
child knows why you placed him or her for
adoption, and you will learn how the child
turned out. But finding a son or daughter
doesn't solve everything. It will not magically
restore self-esteem, erase the guilt you may
have felt through the years, or make up for
the time you didn't spend together. These
issues still need attention. And practical
matters need attention, too. Deciding how
to spend time with your child after finding
him or her, and how to combine that relationship
with your other family relationships, can
be tricky.
Not searching is also okay. Searching is
presented here as one way that some birth
parents have dealt with their feelings.
Dirck Brown, Ed.D., a nationally known leader
in the adoption reform movement, a reunited
adult adoptee, and a therapist, says, "Reunion
promises no happy endings, only new beginnings,
each with the promise that those involved
may become more fully themselves."2
[back to top]
How Birth Parents Cope
You have probably found a number of positive
ways to cope with your situation. You may
attend support group meetings and conferences,
go to counseling, search for your child, and
communicate with other birth parents. The
sections below discuss each of these. A list
of resources is provided at the end of this
article.
Support Group Meetings/Conferences
Some national birth parent support organizations
have local chapters. One well-known organization
is Concerned United Birthparents (CUB). Other
birth parent support groups are not part of
a network and are independent, local organizations.
Two examples are Birth Mothers of Minors (B.M.O.M.S.)
in New York City, and Birthparents in the
Open in Santa Cruz, California. Other groups
are sponsored by adoption agencies, such as
the Barker Foundation in Cabin John, Maryland,
and the Lutheran Social Services of Wisconsin
and Upper Michigan in Milwaukee.
No matter how they are organized, birth parent
support groups generally have the same purpose
in mind: to offer comfort, sympathy, and an
opportunity to talk with others and exchange
information. For many, a support group is
one of the few places where everyone understands
the birth parent's point of view and people
express their feelings openly. It is an environment
in which you can tell your stories and hear
about other people's experiences. Said one
birth mother after she attended her first
support group meeting, "I never knew there
were other women walking around with my same
guilt and rage. For the first time in over
20 years, I didn't feel so utterly alone!"
Some of the national birth parent support
groups hold regional and national conferences.
These meetings offer the opportunity to get
support and information from a larger group
of people. While some focus on political or
policy issues, others cover a wide range of
topics designed to enhance the quality of
life for birth parents, adoptive parents,
and adoptees. A birth father attending a conference
of the Council of Equal Rights in Adoption
in New York City said, "It's a chance to mingle
with many more birth parents than the core
group of 10 or so that show up at my local
support group meeting. You hear speakers with
a national reputation, and you're sitting
in a large hotel ballroom filled with birth
parents and adoptees. There's still not enough
birth fathers there, but it's a start."
A birth mother in California named Curry
Wolfe started another organization with a
very specific purpose in mind. Even though
she had found her adult child and had been
a member of birth parent support groups, she
wanted to connect with other women who lived
in the same maternity home that she lived
in while she was pregnant. When she did that,
she experienced even further healing. She
started Birthparent Connection because she
wanted to help other women heal, too.
A birth father now in Florida started the
only national organization specifically designed
to help birth fathers. Jon Ryan started the
National Organization for Birthfathers and
Adoption Reform (NOBAR), which predominantly
provides support and advocacy to birth fathers
concerning their legal rights. Says Ryan,
"Birth fathers have most of the same feelings
as birth mothers about adoption. Many are
angry and unhappy being separated from their
children. . . . In my contacts with birth
fathers I've found them to be the total opposite
of the stereotype of the uncaring, neglectful
guy who is relieved not to have to support
a child he fathered." NOBAR helps fathers
in a number of situations, encouraging them
to get good counseling during their partner's
pregnancy, to be involved in the placement
decision if adoption is their choice, and
to get legal counsel to prevent the placement
of a child they want to raise.
Counseling
You might find individual or group counseling
with a counselor who is knowledgeable about
adoption issues to be very helpful. An experienced
therapist can help you untangle which of your
concerns are adoption-related and which are
adjustment issues that many people in your
stage of life go through. You might work on
relationship, self-esteem, or parenting issues,
as well as discuss whether to search for your
child. The outcome of a search can lead to
many different emotions that a therapist can
help you sort through.
Searching
Searching is another way that birth parents
cope. Some of the issues related to searching
were discussed above. Searching can take a
number of routes: using support groups; hiring
an investigator or search consultant; reading
literature; surfing the Internet; contacting
agencies or attorneys' offices; or hunting
down clues yourself. For more discussion of
this, read the NAIC publication "Searching
for Birth Relatives."
Communicating
Adoption issues often receive a large amount
of media coverage. But more importantly, there
are a number of books, newsletters, magazines,
and on-line information services that concentrate
specifically on birth parent issues. These
can be especially helpful and comforting if
you live in an area where there is no support
group or if you are not able to travel to
national or regional conferences.
Until recently, there weren't many books
about birth parents issues available in public
libraries. Now there are a number of books
available written by birth parents about their
experiences. There are also some books by
journalists or researchers who interviewed
birth parents.
The larger, nationally based support groups
have published newsletters for a number of
years. Recently some new newsletters have
become available. At least two are for more
recent birth mothers who are maintaining contact
with their minor children. Their concerns
are somewhat different than those of older
women whose children are grown and whose adoptions
were confidential.
There are also a number of magazines that
focus on adoption. Some have a general focus
but have specific articles that are of interest
to birth parents. Some are about adoptee–birth
parent searches and reunions. So far there
are no magazines that exclusively address
birth parent issues, but who knows what the
future will bring?
On-line information services are another
tool birth parents can use to communicate
with one another. There are general adoption
"forums" or "conferences" on these services
and specific subsections for birth parent
issues. People share stories, information,
and resources and become fast friends traveling
on the adoption portion of the information
superhighway. All you need is the hardware,
the software, and a little training to learn
how to communicate using this technology.
Conclusion
You should now know that you are not alone
and that there are a number of resources available
to you, including those of NAIC.
National Organizations
Adoption Search National Hotline & Reunion
Registry
P.O. Box 100444
Palm Bay, FL 32910
(407) 768-2222
American
Adoption Congress (AAC)
1000 Connecticut Avenue, NW, #9
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 483-3399
Birthparent Connection
P.O. Box 230643
Encinitas, CA 92023-0643
(619) 753-8288
(Maternity Home Registry)
Concerned
United Birthparents (CUB)
PO Box 503475
San Diego, CA 92150-3475
(800) 822-2777
(515) 263-9558
Council
for Equal Rights in Adoption
401 E. 74th Street, #17D
New York, NY 10021
(212) 988-0110
International
Soundex Reunion Registry
P.O. Box 371179
Las Vegas, NV 89137
(888) 886-ISRR
National Organization for Birthfathers and
Adoption Reform (NOBAR)
Punta Gorda, FL
(813) 637-7477
Newsletters
Birth Mothers of Minors (B.M.O.M.S.)
Cherokee Station
P.O. Box 20510
New York, NY 10021
(212) 532-4104
Birthparents Today
3423 Blue Rock
Cincinnati, OH 45239
(513) 741-0929
CUB Communicator
Concerned United Birthparents (CUB)
2000 Walker Street
Des Moines, IA 50317
(800) 822-2777
(515) 263-9558
The Decree
American
Adoption Congress (AAC)
1000 Connecticut Avenue, NW, #9
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 483-3399
Geborener Deutscher
805 Alvarado Drive N.E.
Albuquerque, NM 87108
(505) 268-1310
On the Vine
Sweet Pea Press
P.O. Box 1852
Appleton, WI 54913-1852
Magazines
Adoptive
Families
Adoptive Families Magazine
339 West 37th Street, 15th Floor
New York, NY 10018
(800)-372-3300
Pact
Press
3315 Sacramento Street,#239
San Francisco, CA 94118
(415) 221-6957
People Searching News
P.O. Box 100444
Palm Bay, FL 32910-0444
(407) 768-2222
Reunions, The Magazine
P.O. Box 11727
Milwaukee, WI 53211-1727
(414) 263-4567
On the Internet
Mailing Lists:
Triad (Adoptive Parents, Birthparents, Adoptees)
Contact: owner-adoption@listserv.law.cornell.edu
Birthmothers (ONLY)
Contact: nadir@acca.nmsu.edu
To subscribe send e-mail: LISTSERV@indycms.iupui.edu
Type in body of text: SUB BRTHPRNT firstname
lastname
Adoptees (ONLY)
Contact: hartung@crl.ucsd.edu
Newsgroups:
General Discussion: alt.adoption
Persons Interested in Adoption: alt.adoption.agency
Footnotes
1 Campbell, Lee H., Silverman, Phyllis R.
and Patti, Patricia B. "Reunions Between Adoptees
and Birth Parents: The Adoptees' Experience,"
Social Work, Jul 1991, v36 n4, pp.
329-335.
2 Brown, Dirck W. "Searching for Birth Relatives:
How Clinicians Can Help," ATC Journal,
Fall 1994, vIII n2,
pp. 1-3, 5.
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Significant Others' of Yesterday Take a Stand,"
Roots and
Wings, Fall 1992, v4 n2, pp. 8-10
(reprinted from The
Encyclopedia of Adoption by Christine
Adamec and William Pierce).
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1992.
Brown, Dirck W. "Searching for Birth Relatives:
How Clinicians Can Help," ATC Journal,
Fall 1994, vIII n2, pp. 1-3, 5.
Campbell, Lee H., Silverman, Phyllis R. and
Patti, Patricia B. "Reunions Between Adoptees
and Birth Parents: The Adoptees' Experience,"
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Carlini, Heather. Birth Mother Trauma:
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& Associates, 1992.
Connelly, Maureen. Given
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Davis, Lynn-Claire. Half
Way Home!...Contact & Reunion Guidelines.
Palm Bay, FL: Gabrielle Books, 1995.
Demuth, Carol L. "Equal Time for Birthparents:
The Agency Responsibility." Dallas, TX: published
paper, 1990.
Deykin, Eva, Patti, Patricia, and Ryan, Jon.
"Fathers of Adopted Children: A Study of the
Impact of Child Surrender on Birthfathers,"
American Journal of Orthopsychiatry,
April 1988, v58 n2, pp. 240-248.
Gediman, Judith S. and Brown, Linda P. Birth
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What Happens After.... Far Hills,
NJ: New Horizon Press, 1989.
Harsin, Rebecca. Wanted:
First Child; A Birth Mother's Story.
Santa Barbara, CA: Fithian Press, 1991.
Inglis, Kate. Living
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Allen & Unwin, 1984.
Jones, Merry Bloch. Birthmothers:
Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption
Tell Their Stories. Chicago: Chicago
Review Press, 1993.
Riben, Marsha. Shedding
Light on the Dark Side of Adoption.
Detroit: Harlo Press, 1988.
Roles, Patricia. Saying
Goodbye to a Baby, Volume I: The Birthparent's
Guide to Loss and Grief in Adoption.
Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of America,
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Roles, Patricia. Saying
Goodbye to a Baby, Volume II: A Counselor's
Guide to Birthparent Loss and Grief in Adoption.
Washington, DC: Child Welfare League of America,
1989.
Schaefer, Carol. The
Other Mother: A Woman's Love for the Child
She Gave Up for Adoption.New York:
Soho Press, 1991.
Severson, Randolph W. Dear
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Shinn, Jim. "My Search for the Son I Never
Knew," Good Housekeeping, Jul 1988,
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Silverman, Phyllis R. Helping
Women Cope With Grief. Beverly Hills,
CA: Sage Publications, 1981.
For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at naic@calib.com.
