We all know there are different kinds of
families in the world. Some families have
a lot of children; some have only one or two.
Some families have one parent; some have two.
In some, a grandmother or grandfather lives
in the same house, and in others there are
no grandparents nearby.
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The questions above are
questions that different children might ask
about certain kinds of families called "adoptive
families." Children who are adopted might
ask their parents these questions. Children
who are friends, schoolmates, or neighbors
of a child they hear is adopted might be thinking
the same questions. So let's answer them.
Adoption is a process that our society developed
so that children can grow in loving surroundings.
All children have the right to grow up in
a loving family, whether they find it in the
one they're born in, or in one that adopts
them.
Adoption is a legal procedure that makes
a child who is the biological or birth child
of one man and woman into the legal child
of another adult or adults. What does that
mean? It's kind of complicated, but here goes.
First, we ought to review how babies get
born. You probably know that it takes a man
and woman to make a baby. The baby grows inside
the woman until it is time to be born. On
that day the baby comes out into the world.
That's the day that gives all of us our birthdays!
That child is called the biological or birth
child of that man and woman.
Sometimes, even though the baby that is born
is precious and beautiful and wonderfully
lovable, the birth parents cannot take care
of the baby. A baby needs a lot of care. Someone
has to feed the baby, change the baby's diaper
when it's wet or dirty, bathe him or her,
hug, tickle, read stories, make sure he or
she takes naps and goes to the doctor for
check-ups, everything! When the child is older,
parents make sure he or she goes to school,
does homework, dresses warmly in winter, and
everything else kids do. Sometimes being a
parent is hard work.
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There are many
reasons why a child might need or want to
be adopted. Maybe the birth parents are very
young themselves when they have the baby,
and still have a lot of growing up to do.
Or maybe there is poverty or sickness or war
in their country and they feel their child
would be happier in a place where those things
aren't going on. Maybe the man and woman don't
get along very well with each other and just
can't help a child grow up because of these
problems. Perhaps they try at first, but it
just doesn't work out.
Another very sad reason a child might need
new parents is if the birth parents have died.
If birth parents make a plan for adoption,
it's a very difficult decision for them to
make. They usually love their child very much,
and only make an adoption plan because deep
down they think it's best for the child. They
often feel sad about saying good-bye to their
child, but happy at the same time, because
they think he or she will have a better life.
Often, other adults who know about children
and what is needed to take care of them, help
the parents make the decision.
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If it's a baby
who is going to be adopted, he or she can't
talk, and therefore is not involved in making
the decision. However, an older child might
have a lot to say about whether or not he
or she wants to be adopted, and by whom. Usually
older children without families want to be
adopted. They want to belong to a family.
OK, if the birth parents do decide on an
adoption plan, or if some other adults help
them decide, what happens next?
During the time before the baby is born,
and probably even way before that, adults
who want a new child in their family talk
to other adults who work at places called
adoption agencies. These are offices where
people go and say, "We'd like to have a new
child in our family. We'd like to adopt a
child." These are also places where the birth
parents or other adults can go and say, "We'd
like you to find a new family for this child."
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Who adopts children? Often
it's married couples who go to adoption agencies.
They might be unable to make a baby together
(it happens sometimes), and they want very
much to love a child and help him grow up
to be a happy and healthy person. Sometimes
it's a single man or single woman who goes
to the agency. They might not have a partner
to help them make a baby, but they still think
they could be a good father or mother and
would love a child very much.
Sometimes a relative of a child adopts him
or her, like a grandmother or aunt and uncle.
Sometimes the new husband or wife of the birth
parent adopts the wife's or husband's child
by a former marriage. That's a step-parent
adoption. You probably know someone who lives
in a step-family already. These adoptions
are a little different than non-relative adoptions,
because the adoptive parents and child already
know each other. But they still count as adoptions.
Sometimes people are able to make babies
themselves, and may already have birth children,
but still want to adopt another child, just
because they love children so much.
People who want to adopt often have different
ideas about the kind of child they'd like
to join their family. Some might ask for a
baby, some might ask for an older child, or
even more than one, like two sisters or two
brothers, or a brother and a sister.
The people at an adoption agency are trained
to understand things about families and children.
They usually ask the people who want to adopt
lots of questions to make sure they understand
what being parents is all about. Our fifty
states even have special laws that adoptive
parents have to follow. When the laws have
all been followed, and the people at the adoption
agency feel sure the adoptive parents are
ready, they will give the child that they
got from the birth parents to the new adoptive
parents.
Where has the child (or children) been in
the meantime? The child might be in the hospital
where he or she was just born. Or the child
might have been living with a foster family.
That's a family that cares for a child for
a short time until he or she can go home or
until a permanent home is ready. He or she
might have been living in an orphanage or
children's home. If the child is coming from
another country, the parents might even go
to the airport to meet their new child!
After the child has been living with his
or her new family, the people from the adoption
agency usually come to visit the child and
family a few times to make sure everything
is going OK, and to see that the child is
being well taken care of. Then, after a certain
amount of time, the family sends some legal
papers to a court, and may even go to a court
themselves, to appear before a judge with
the adoption agency person. This procedure
is called an adoption hearing.
The adoption hearing does not usually take
place in the big, open courtroom, where anybody
can come in and listen. More likely, it would
take place in the judge's private office,
called his or her chambers. The parents, and
perhaps the older children in the family,
if there are any, tell the judge how much
they love the adopted child. The adoption
agency person tells the judge the family is
a nice family. If the child is old enough
to talk, he or she can say something too.
If the child is a baby, he or she just looks
cute and giggles, and everybody else laughs
and cries, the way people do when they get
emotional. People take pictures, and there
might even be a party because it's such a
happy occasion!
At this time the child's name is put on a
birth certificate with the adoptive parents'
names, and the adoption is one hundred percent
official. Legally that child belongs to those
parents, and those parents belong to that
child. From then on, they just go about the
business of being a family, living, learning,
playing, and loving together.
There's another way adoptions are arranged,
and that is directly between the birth parents
and the adoptive parents. They might meet
together, or another person who knows them
both might help make the arrangements. Mostly
the same things happen as we mentioned before,
it's just that an agency is not involved.
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What are adopted
children like? Just like everybody else. They're
not better or worse. They like to run and
jump and play. They go to school. They get
sick sometimes, just like all children do.
They like stories and hugs, and are told to
eat their vegetables, just like everyone else.
However, adopted children may have things
on their minds that other children don't.
Other people need to be sensitive about these
things. For instance, even though adoption
is a happy way for families to be made, adopted
children might think it's bad or wrong that
they don't live with their birth parents.
But after some time goes by, they usually
realize their adoptive family is a good place
to be. It wouldn't be too nice to tease somebody
about being adopted in a mean way while he
or she was figuring that out.
Adopted children might wonder what their
birth parents are like, if they never had
the chance to know them. They might wonder
if they have birth sisters or brothers, or
aunts, uncles, and cousins that they don't
know about. They might wonder what country
their birth relatives came from many years
ago, or what religion they are, or if they
have any health problems. They might think
they would like to meet their birth parents
when they grow up to ask them some of the
questions they have been wondering about.
That may or may not be possible. They'll probably
talk about it with their adoptive parents
before they decide what to do.
Adopted children sometimes get in trouble,
and their parents yell at them, just like
all parents do once in a while. They might
worry that they will have to go away from
their adoptive family, but they soon learn
that they have found a permanent home.
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Now, the question
about how many children are adopted in the
United States. The number is slightly different
for each year. In 1992, about 127,000 children
of all races, ages, and nationalities were
adopted.
To help you visualize how much 127,000 is,
if you took 127,000 pennies and lined them
up end to end in a straight line, that line
would be more than 2 miles long! If you keep
adding that number to itself over a few years,
you can see that starts to be quite a lot
of children growing up in adoptive families.
If you have any concerns or questions about
adoption, talk about them with your parents,
your minister, priest, or rabbi, your school
counselor or teacher, your doctor, or any
other adult you know and trust. If they don't
know the answers, they can find someone who
does. There's also a list at the end here,
of some books that explain adoption to children.
You could probably get some of them at a library
or book store near you. They might be helpful
too.
This was written by Debra Smith, A.C.S.W.,
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
in 1989. Revised June 1994.
Banish, Roslyn (story and pictures) with
Jordan-Wong, Jennifer. A
Forever Family. New York: Harper Collins,
1992.
Barris, Sara L. F. and Seltzer, Doryce Penn;
Mazer, Susan, illustrator. Together
Forever: An Adoption Story Coloring Book.
Hartsdale, NY: Shooting Star Press, 1992.
Blomquist, Geraldine M. and Blomquist, Paul
B.; Lemieux, Margo, illustrator. Zachary's
New Home: A Story for Foster and Adopted Children.
New York: Magination Press, 1990.
Bloom, Suzanne. A
Family for Jamie: An Adoption Story.
New York: Clarkson N. Potter, Inc., 1991.
Bunin, Catherine and Bunin, Sherry; Welch,
Sheila Kelly, illustrator. Is
That Your Sister? A True Story of Adoption.
Wayne, PA: Our Child Press, 1992.
Herbert, S. Latisha (also illustrator); Herbert,
Shaun, illustrator. The
Visit. Washington, DC: Child Welfare
League of America, 1991.
Herbert, Stefon (also illustrator); Herbert,
Shaun, illustrator. I
Miss My Foster Parents. Washington,
DC: Child Welfare League of America, 1991.
Herbert, Stephanie (also illustrator); Herbert,
Shaun, illustrator. Being
Adopted. Washington, DC: Child Welfare
League of America, 2000.
Herman, Flory G. “I
Have Roots and Branches” Personal
Reflections on Adoption, May 2004
Kasza, Keiko. A
Mother for Choco. New York: G. P.
Putnam, 1992.
Keller, Holly. Horace.
New York: Greenwillow Books, 1991.
Koehler, Phoebe. The
Day We Met You. New York: Bradbury
Press, 1990.
LaCure, Jeffrey, R.; Williams, Michael Edwin,
illustrator. Adopted
Like Me. Franklin, MA: Adoption Advocate
Publishing Company, 1992.
Lifton, Betty Jean. Tell
Me a Real Adoption Story. New York:
Random House, 1994.
Nichols, Kathie Wiles. Sarah:
A Story of Love and Adoption. Topeka,
KS: Lone Tree Publishing, 1992.
Pellegrini, Nina. Families
Are Different. New York: Holiday House,
1991.
Schnitter, Jane T.; Kruck, Gerald, illustrator.
William
is My Brother. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives
Press, 1991.
Stein, Stephanie; Imler, Kathryn A., illustrator.
Lucy's
Feet. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives
Press, 1992.
Stinson, Kathy; Lewis, Robin Baird, illustrator.
Steven's
Baseball Mitt. North York, ONT: Annick
Press, 1992.
Tanner, Laurie G.; Avner, Wendy, illustrator.
Two
Loves for Selena. Omaha, NE: Centering
Corporation, 1993.
Turner, Ann Warren; Hale, James Graham, illustrator.
Through
Moon and Stars and Night Skies. New
York: Harper and Row, 1990.
Wickstrom, Lois; Marden, Priscilla, illustrator.
Oliver:
A Story About Adoption. Wayne, PA:
Our Child Press, 1991.
For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at naic@calib.com.
