The Powerful Sibling
Bond
Loss has become all too familiar to 35-year-old
Amy. First, it was the loss of her childhood.
At nine, because her parents were not capable
of caring for her and her younger sister,
she became the care giver to six-year-old
Anne. Two years later, she lost her parents
and her home. She and Anne were moved by the
authorities into foster care after it became
clear that their parents could not provide
a safe and nurturing environment for them.
It was an especially difficult move for Amy,
who had to relinquish her "parental" role
to her new foster mother.
But the most wrenching loss of all came when
Amy was 12. Her social worker believed it
would be in her best interest to live in a
home with girls her own age. For the first
time in her life, she and her sister were
separated.
It was devastating for both of them. Amy's
self-esteem plummeted because so much of it
revolved around her ability to take care of
her younger sibling. Anne, too, was destroyed
by the move for she no longer had the only
constant in her life. Her sister, in addition
to being her best friend, had also been her
consistent source of advice and approval.
Anne was later adopted by her foster parents
and moved with them to another State. The
sisters lost touch with each other. They also
lost their ability to trust and to form lasting
relationships when they became adults.
At 35, Amy says, "I will never forget the
day I had to leave my sister. We were both
crying, and I felt like the world was a terrible
and hostile place. As the months went by,
I could feel myself close up. The more I thought
about what had happened to me, the more angry
and bitter I became. If the social worker
who was supposed to be concerned for me had
the power to take away my sister, I could
never trust anyone again."
Today, Amy and Anne are in contact with each
other. They see each other from time to time,
but they do not have the close relationship
that they might have had they not been separated.
Amy lives alone, insists she will never marry,
and prefers living a solitary existence where
no one can hurt her. Anne has been divorced
twice and says that intimate relationships
are impossible for her to manage. When someone
gets too close, she unconsciously sabotages
the relationship.
The story of Amy and Anne demonstrates the
powerful bond that exists between siblings
and what can happen when it is broken. Today,
mental health experts are beginning to recognize
the significance and power of the sibling
relationship. It is, they say, longer lasting
and more influential than any other, including
those with parents, spouse, or children. When
it is severed, the fallout can last a lifetime.
"In the past it was assumed that parent-child
relationships sowed the seeds of adult behavior,
but there is a growing awareness that the
interplay between siblings also exerts a
powerful life-long force," says Elisabeth
Rosenthal in an article published in The
New York Times. "So, people who spent
years on the couch dissecting their relationship
with their parents may be chagrined to learn
they have more work ahead of them. Some
psychologists say they must now probe their
relationships with their brothers and sisters."
Dr. Jerry F. Westermeyer of the Department
of Psychiatry at Michael
Reese Hospital in Chicago says, "The sibling
relationship has been a neglected topic in
social science, especially in adulthood,"
noting that virtually no research had been
done on the topic until the 1980's. "But people
are starting to look hard at it now," he says.
"It's an important topic and it strikes a
chord."
Despite this new burst of knowledge, statistics
indicate that more and more brothers and sisters
may have to experience the same heartbreak
felt by Amy and Anne. Sixty-five to 85 percent
of children entering the foster care system
have at least one sibling; about 30 percent
have four or more. It is often difficult to
find families willing to take all of them,
and current estimates indicate that 75 percent
of sibling groups end up living apart after
they enter foster care. For most of them,
it means losing the only significant relationship
they have known.
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How Strong Is the
Bond?
The bond between brothers and sisters is
unique—it is the longest lasting relationship
most people have, longer than the parent/child
or husband/wife relationship. While the bonds
may wax and wane, a person's lifetime quest
for personal identity is undeniably interwoven
with his or her siblings.
In early childhood, siblings are constant
companions and playmates. Through games and
conversations with each other, they learn
to interact with the larger community. During
adolescence, once-close siblings may temporarily
weaken their ties as they exert their individuality
and independence. In adulthood, when they
have families of their own, the needs of their
families usually take precedence over the
relationship with each other, but the sibling
ties often emerge stronger during this period.
Siblings generally want to share their adult
struggles and triumphs with each other.
The cycle of the sibling bond comes full
circle when the siblings reach old age, after
their parents and spouse may be gone and their
children are raising children of their own.
The bond between them often intensifies as
they once again become each other's companions,
sometimes living together for the remainder
of their lives.
This bond exists in children raised in well-adjusted
families, but it is even stronger for brothers
and sisters from dysfunctional families. They
learn very early to depend on and cooperate
with each other to cope with their common
problems.
Separating siblings in foster care or through
adoption adds to their emotional burden. They
have already had to cope with the separation
and loss of their parents. If they are then
separated from their siblings, they must experience
the grieving process all over again. For many
children, this separation will be even more
traumatic because, if they have experienced
abuse and/or neglect at the hand of their
parents, they will often have stronger ties
to each other than to their mother or father.
Sometimes, it is only through their siblings
that children have been able to gain any positive
self-esteem. When they see good qualities
in a brother or sister, they are less likely
to see themselves as "a bad kid from a bad
family." Siblings are often able to reveal
to each other parts of themselves that they
are reluctant to share with anyone else, thus
strengthening the bond between them.
These early ties remain even when siblings
are separated in foster care or through adoption.
In her book, Adopting
the Older Child, Claudia Jewett writes,
"Children separated from brothers and sisters
may never resolve their feelings of loss,
even if there are new brothers and sisters
whom they grow to love. There may be more
drive in adopted adults to track down their
remembered biological siblings than there
is to locate their birth parents, so great
a hole does the loss of a sibling leave in
one's personal history."Many adopted adults
desperately want to meet a person who they
think might look like them. Seeing similarities
between themselves and their biological siblings
helps to answer elusive questions they may
have about their heritage.
Studies have shown that even babies experience
depression when they are separated from their
brothers and sisters. In one such study, it
was found that a 19-month-old girl was better
able to cope with the separation from her
parents than from her siblings. The children
in this family were placed in different foster
homes, resulting in the baby's loss of speech,
refusal to eat, withdrawal, and an inability
to accept affection. This pattern persisted
even after she was reunited with her parents.
It was not until her brothers and sisters
rejoined the family that this little girl
resumed her former behavior.
The media continues to report stories about
brothers and sisters who have been separated
through adoption and as adults begin a tireless
search for each other. One such story involved
Eleanor, 39, who searched for her older brother,
Jim, 41, who had been separated from her when
they were young children. These two children
had been extremely close. It was Eleanor's
older brother who, when they were first adopted,
showed their new parents how to get his sister
to eat her vegetables and brush her teeth.
It was her big brother who had made the transition
into their new family easier for Eleanor.
But when Jim showed signs of emotional problems,
the adoptive parents returned him to the adoption
agency. It was believed to be in everyone's
best interest.
Now, 36 years later, the only information
Eleanor has found out about her brother is
that he had been in a shelter for the homeless.
It was believed he had also been in and out
of mental institutions. Unfortunately, the
decision to separate the children proved damaging
to both of them. Jim's emotional problems
worsened, following him through his life,
and his sister was traumatized by the loss
of her brother.
Today, a greater number of former foster
children are searching for their siblings
than are searching for their biological parents.
They are suing child welfare agencies in order
to get them to release information—and
they are winning. States and courts have begun
to recognize the importance of the sibling
relationship—not only biological siblings,
but also "psychological" siblings.
"It's a sad commentary that such an action
is needed," states Kay Donley Zeigler, a
trainer on sibling relationships in adoption
at the National
Resource Center on Special Needs Adoption
in Southfield, Michigan, "but it may be
that this type of action on the part of
former foster children will force social
workers to think twice before separating
siblings."
Recently, a couple from New Jersey was able
to receive an adoption subsidy for adopting
a sibling group even though none of the three
children was related biologically. These three
"sisters" developed their relationship while
they were placed in the same foster home—a
home they shared for three years.
In similar cases, judges in New York and
Massachusetts have ruled that agencies must
accept responsibility for the failure of sibling
groups to remain together. The Massachusetts
decision added that brothers and sisters should
be raised together, even half-brothers and
sisters, "unless there are compelling reasons
for separating them."
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Why Are Siblings
Separated?
Although it is generally accepted that separating
siblings should be the exception, many brothers
and sisters are living apart. Unfortunately,
there are no laws or set rules—the decision
to split the family is usually left to the
discretion of the child's social worker.
Today with more children entering the child
welfare system, it is becoming increasingly
difficult to find families willing to accept
a sibling group. Hemmed in by budget and time
constraints, overburdened caseworkers often
feel that they have no other option than to
separate the children. They believe that separately
the children will stand a better chance of
finding a permanent family since there are
more families looking to adopt just one child
at a time.
Often these sibling groups have come from
troubled backgrounds, having suffered abuse
and neglect by their biological parents. Their
combined problems may seem too severe and
numerous for one set of parents. It is thought
that placed separately, the children will
each receive the undivided attention of their
new parents, and this will help each develop
to his or her highest potential.
Social workers may also decide to separate
siblings if one of them is being victimized
by the other, as in the example of Jimmy and
Diane. Jimmy, 11, and Diane, 9, were a close-knit
brother and sister who were placed together
with a family in New Mexico. Before the adoption
was finalized, Jimmy was found to be abusing
his little sister. The soon-to-be adoptive
parents frantically contacted the social worker,
saying, "We can't tolerate this kind of behavior.
We want Jimmy out of our home!"
The social worker immediately acted on the
case and removed Jimmy from the home. It was
later discovered that Jimmy had been abusing
his sister in an earlier placement as well.
It was believed that by separating Jimmy from
his sister he would "straighten himself out."
Only time will tell whether the best interests
of the children truly have been served.
Separating siblings may also appear beneficial
if the children are so unhappy about being
removed from their biological or foster family
that the social worker feels they will band
together to sabotage their adoption.
Other siblings are separated because of their
inability to get along with each other. Sibling
rivalry has been a concern of families since
Cain slew Abel in the Garden of Eden. Few
brothers and sisters are driven to such extremes;
yet, sibling rivalry and jealousy remain major
causes for separation in foster care and adoption.
As seen in the earlier example of Amy and
Anne, separation is also common when one child
has difficulty giving up his or her role as
"care giver" to the other children. His or
her role confusion may result in removal from
the home so that the other children can bond
with their new family without conflict or
interference. Removing the care giver may
also appear to be in his best interest, as
he can learn to become a child again without
the constant reminder of past responsibilities.
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Research Findings
Although these reasons for separating siblings
may have merit, numerous studies invalidate
them. They indicate that separating siblings
often delivers inappropriate messages and
results in greater problems for children in
the long run. Research on siblings reveals
the following five points:
- When children are separated because of
sibling rivalry, it teaches them that the
way to deal with conflict is to walk away
from it, not to work it out. Siblings who
remain together learn how to resolve their
differences and develop stronger relationships.
- The responsibility felt by an older child
for a younger sibling is not necessarily
a negative. It can be used constructively
by adoptive parents to help both children
develop appropriate roles with each other.
The caregiving child can be helped to become
a child again and the younger child can
learn that adults can be trusted.
- Even a needy child does not necessarily
benefit from being the only child in a family.
According to Margaret Ward's study, "Sibling
Ties in Foster Care and Adoption Planning,"
an only child may receive a lot of attention,
but the child may also then become for the
parents the embodiment of all their hopes
and aspirations. The child may be expected
to change troublesome behavior sooner than
he or she is able.
- When a sibling is removed from a home
because of behavior problems, remaining
children get the message that the same thing
can happen to them. It reduces their sense
of trust in adults.
- Removing a sibling from a foster or adoptive
home because he has abused his brother or
sister does not guarantee that the abuse
will not continue in another environment.
Therapy may be a more appropriate intervention.
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Struggling With the
Issues of Sibling Relationships
Despite the growing recognition that it is
healthier for brothers and sisters to remain
together, social workers charged with the
responsibility of placing sibling groups still
struggle with the difficult reality of finding
families willing to accept several children
at one time. It is easier to find a family
for one child than for a sibling group of
six. It is also less costly to search for
a family in the immediate area than to stretch
across State lines or travel cross-country,
which is often required when looking for a
family willing to adopt a sibling group. It
is also more comfortable for some social workers
to place a child with a traditional two-parent
family, although single parents and those
with alternative lifestyles may be more receptive
to adopting a sibling group.
Social workers who are dedicated to keeping
siblings together and who are willing to be
flexible about prospective adopters can be
successful in finding families for them. For
example, large families are often willing
to adopt a sibling group of three or four,
but these families make some workers uneasy.
They worry that the parents may be overburdened
and will not be able to give each child enough
attention. They wonder whether the household
will be too chaotic and at what point the
family will be strained beyond its capacity
to give quality care.
However, research shows that living in a
large family has many benefits. "Large families
teach everybody how to work together," explains
Lois Cowen, mother of 15, 10 of whom are adopted.
"The older children help the younger children.
The children also learn to share. You never
hear `This is mine...you can't have it.' I
recently bought the children one play toolbox
and one set of play dishes. Each child got
a tool and a dish—and was happy."
Parents in large families are less likely
to overreact to minor problems—most of
which they have experienced in the past. Large
families also tend to have more structure
with set guidelines and consequences that
are known to everyone. For many children who
experienced abuse and neglect, this will be
a welcome change from the chaos they faced
in their earlier lives.
Children in large families learn to cooperate
and share things with people of different
personalities and temperaments, helping them
to be more flexible about future changes in
their world and preparing them for interaction
with the wider community.
An agency's determination to keep siblings
together must be reflected in its foster and
adoptive family recruitment messages. When
recruitment highlights sibling groups in a
positive manner, families willing to adopt
them respond.
The National Adoption Center, for instance,
a Philadelphia-based organization that promotes
adoption opportunities for children with special
needs, feels strongly about placing siblings
together. When it conducts publicity campaigns,
brothers and sisters are shown together and
every effort is made not to separate them.
The Center has found that the general public
shares its sentiments and believes fervently
in preserving the rights of brothers and sisters
to grow up together.
Carolyn Johnson, the Center's Executive Director,
explains, "Most people are distressed when
they hear there is a chance siblings will
have to be separated. It is against the natural
order of things—and their visceral reaction
is that brothers and sisters should stay together.
Even a family considering the adoption of
only one child will almost always want to
adopt his siblings once they are made aware
of their existence."
Paddy Noyes, who for 23 years has written
a column in the Philadelphia Inquirer featuring
children waiting to be adopted, says, "Sometimes
a worker will tell me that a sibling group
won't have a chance of being adopted if we
put them all in the paper. But I say, `Let's
start with the positive and feature them all.'
The results have been that people will adopt
the whole group."
[back to top]
Decisionmaking in
Sibling Placement
For adoption workers struggling with a decision
about whether to separate a sibling from one
or more others in a foster care or adoptive
placement, Kay Donley Zeigler makes these
five suggestions:
- Examine the importance of siblings not
only at present but for the child throughout
his or her life. Although the child may
not be close with a brother or sister now,
consider future implications if they are
separated.
- The child's feelings should be considered.
Although it is a major decision and not
one the child can or should make alone,
his or her wishes should be part of the
decisionmaking process.
- The decision about separation should be
made by several informed persons, including
current and former caretakers, therapists,
counselors, teachers, physicians or any
others who have played an important role
in the children's lives. Explore with them
the history and meaning of the sibling relationships.
- Document all of the reasons for and against
separating the children. Making a list will
force an examination of the pros and cons.
Provide clear documentation of the circumstances
leading up to the decision in the event
a decision to separate is ever legally challenged.
- If siblings must be separated, plans for
future get-togethers should be initiated
immediately. Legally, adoptive parents can
override any decision to maintain contact
with siblings. They may have problems logistically
with the contacts (i.e. they may move out
of State, or it may be inconvenient to keep
in touch), or they simply may not recognize
the importance of maintaining the bond.
Social workers should help educate the parents
about the value of the relationship. Experience
shows that the bond between a child and
new parents is strengthened when they confront
the issues of sibling relationships together.
The child can then see his parent as someone
who is sensitive to his or her needs.
"These relationships are sometimes the
only semblance of normalcy these children
have," says Ms. Donley Zeigler. "When you
take away someone's siblings, it's kind
of like you're stripping him of everything
that he has that makes him feel okay about
himself."
"If the idea of the child welfare system
is to protect and help children," says Carolyn
Johnson, "everyone involved should be careful
to carry out that mission and always keep
in mind what the best interest of the child
truly is."
Banks, Stephen P., and Michael D. Kahn. The
Sibling Bond. New York: Basic Books,
Inc., 1982.
Couve, Davis, LePere, and McDonald. Large
Sibling Groups-Adoption Experiences.Washington,
DC: Child Welfare League of America, 1986
Depp, Carole H. "Placing Siblings Together,"
Children Today, Vol. 12, No. 2 (March-April
1983), pp. 14-19.
Donley Zeigler, Kathryn S. Sibling Attachments
and Adoption. Southfield, MI: National
Resource Center For Special Needs Adoption,
1985.
Herman, Flory G. “I
Have Roots and Branches” Personal
Reflections on Adoption, May 2004
Jewett, Claudia. Adopting
the Older Child. Boston: Harvard Common,
1974.
Kaufman, Martie and Kathy Walton. The
Placement of a Large Sibling Group: A Cooperative
Approach. Washington DC: Department of
Health and Human Services, 1981.
Penelton, J. M. Sibling Placements: A
Problem? Columbia, MO: University of Missouri,
1981.
Powell, Thomas H., and Peggy Ahrenhold-Ogle.
Brothers
and Sisters: A Special Part of an Exceptional
Family. Baltimore, MD: Paul Brooks
Publishing Co., 1985.
Rosenthal, Elisabeth. "Troubled Marriage?
Sibling Relations May Be at Fault." The
New York Times, August 18, 1992, pp. C-1
and C-9.
Staff, Ilene, and Edith Fein. "Together or
Separate: A Study of Siblings in Foster Care,"
Child
Welfare", Vol. 41, No. 3 (May-June
1992), pp. 257-270.
Ward, Margaret, "Full House: Adoption of
a Large Sibling Group,"Child
Welfare", Vol. 27, No. 4 (March-April
1978), pp. 233-241.
Ward, Margaret, "Sibling Ties in Foster Care
and Adoption Planning,"Child
Welfare", Vol. 33, No. 4 (July-August
1984), pp. 321-331.
For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at info@childwelfare.gov.
